It’s like I’m living with this hole in my chest. A deep, black vacuum that makes itself known every time I feel happy for too long. I feel like I need someonething to fill that void… like I can’t really live my life while it festers there.
But I guess that’s the challenge, learning to exist with it. Doing everything I need to and want to while the pain is still there. Constantly filling it, until maybe, one day, it’s gone for good.
Then maybe I’ll fall asleep with no tears.
My dreams sway softly in your moonlight, and my soul swings playfully among your stars.
While you slumber - sleeping, soft and peaceful. I dream of you, silent from afar.
How I wish we could dream these dreams together. Hold me tight while we sleep the night away.
There they stay though, trapped within your night time. No sunrise to realize them- there, alone, they stay.
We’re swimming in the local pool. Everyone’s there, it’s a hot day. I’m swimming laps with a couple friends, racing back and forth.
Then he’s there.
We’re all talking over in the shallow end. I’m up against the corner and he’s on my left. The group is circled around. I don’t remember the conversation. I remember him.
He’s not sitting close, but his arm is under the water near me. He strokes my knee with the side of his finger. I look up at him and I meet his eyes. He’s smirking a little, forcing his dimples out, and there’s a little gleam in his eye.
I smile back at him and continue talking to our friends.
Then his toe presses against mine. Not roughly, just soft, a tap, just a small gesture of physical contact. - A secret under the water.
He knows how much it means, just a small reassurance that someone’s there right beside you. A small reminder someone cares. Someone loves you.
I reach across underwater and link a few fingers with his.
He squeezes back. Then I wake up. Alone.
But look, another crush, another heartbreak, another sideline I can wait on.
Another chance, another time, another guy I’ll waste my life on.
Will I take a chance, a chance to fall, a chance to finally feel.
Its just another crush…
Another teardrop on my pillow.
1 Do you want the unattainable?
The one you’ll never have.
You chase and chase the undefined, the image in your mind.
Then link it to someone that you know, a friend, a stranger, an FEO.
Are you truly after what you think, or setting yourself up for more regret?
- More heartache, and more pain.
Something to keep you awake - one more sleepless night.
The dark, empty, void consumes the space inside your soul.
And you let it happen, step by step. Just to feel again.
I hide my tears in a blanket of woven whispers. They wait for you, till the moon outshines the sun.
There, in a river of moonlight, we’ll dance upon the flowers. Leaving stolen kisses on the blank pages of my heart.
I’ll remember your face of laughter, when the painted sun shined.
Of when summer chills left meetings un-kept, and how time forgot to tell the story of us.
When the world’s weary eye sleeps, there I’ll wait, with my blanket of whispers.
Missing you.
1 So long I’ve stayed apart. Afraid to share, to scared to free my heart. Now I stand in the light and I feel the love around me, but I’m still scared to death. What happens when they all leave me? When your biggest fear is to be alone, to be forgotten or even worse, overlooked, why let anyone in?
Now I have people I love and they love me, but won’t it just make it harder when they leave. And then you’ll just be alone again and you can shut down and start over. Because you will. You crave the pain.
All I’ve learned is that everyone I love will leave me.
How can I tell you how much you mean to me, words never come easily.
How can I say that I would drop everything for you, whenever you need me, or anything, for any reason.
I long for you, yearn for you, physically ache for you.
I cry my silent tears, alone in the dark… feels like drowning.
I sit here beating myself up for how stupid I am. Never knowing what to say, always saying the wrong thing.
When you hug me everything feels so right. How can I tell you I need you to hug me.
I wrote a song for you. Its no good, but its from the heart.
A single tear falls down my face, then another. Soft reminders of how it will never be. Reminders of how I’m all alone.
